You might be a mental horny

The fad right now in my school is a book of English translations to Spanish colloquial expressions. It's been making the rounds in the teacher's lounge during recess, and my coworkers have been studying up.

The problem, and it's a big one, is that -- you know what? I'll just go ahead and show you:

The problem is that they are completely, totally wrong. After a few of them tried some of these on me (I looked at them blankly), I demanded to see the book. And you know what I found? The book is meant to be a joke. But the introduction and the title of the book, which make it clear that it's supposed to be funny and not serious, is in English.

So they can't read the disclaimer, essentially, and they think it's a dictionary. And they're walking around saying things like "shut up, polliwog!" and "he's an inksucker" with straight faces.

I told them it was a joke, but I don't think they really believed me. They keep saying these things, and I keep trying and failing to maintain some level of personal dignity because I'm laughing too hard.

Who knows? Maybe all my laughing means that I'm really just a mental horny.

Overheard

Overheard in English class recently:

"Computers are curly." (Trouble with adjectives.)

"Michelangelo's father was the local hammer." (Correct answer: magistrate.)

"Señorita Sarah, what is a fu*k ton?" (My first thought was "an awful lot of something" before I realized that the student was trying to pronounce function. My mistake.)

"You have McDonald's in America?!" (I told her that McDonalds is American and she said "Oh. I thought it was Japanese.")

Also: "There is Coca-Cola in USA?"

"We have relation boat." (Relationship.)

Not a fan

   

I give private English classes throughout the week in people's homes, and I've got ten students. My youngest is eight years old and the oldest is in her 40s. For the most part, I adore my students and I'm pretty sure I learn just as much from them as they learn from me (I know - cliché alert! Only it's actually true. I teach them verbs, they teach me all sorts of cultural gems like how to properly slice a leg of jamón.)

There is one exception, however. A coddled (I mean it, they literally have a servant in their house) eleven-year-old who hates English and spits fire. She sulks, she pouts, she wants to hang with her friends or look up puppy pictures online or do anything except study English with me. I've tried the sweet tactic and the veiled threats and pouting right back. She won't have any of it. She is unmoved. She does not want to study English and that's that.

Finally, I hit on an idea. She's always telling me how smart she is (she's a real gem), so one day I brought her an English book that's two years above her grade level. "You're smart," I told her, "so let's hit it. Enough with this baby stuff." It's the only thing I have ever said that has actually impressed her.

Anyway, since then she's been pretty docile - for her, anyway - and actually smiling at me occasionally. I thought we were making real progress. And then, the other day we were playing a game out of the English book that called for gamepieces, which I had forgotten. She darted into the other room to get what she assured me were perfect gamepieces.

She came back with these. Can you guess which one she designated as me and which one is her?

Guess I have a ways to go after all.

    

Please have your kindergartners give their teachers hand-drawn presents

Letting my five-year olds go yesterday was hard.  School year's over, next year they'll be in elementary school (called primario over here), they've grown about a foot since I met them last September, and they are the very best Spanish teachers I could possibly ask for. And so on and so forth. Blah blah blah sentimental crap blah blah blah.

But check this out: they left me with a parting gift.  That gift was intended to be sweet and good-hearted, and it is both of those things; its real charm, however, lays in another realm - belly laughs.  They all drew pictures for me, and let's take a meander through the gallery, shall we?

"For Teacher Sara(h)"

It's impossible to read in this photo, but the yellow crayon on the top says "tú mejor amiga", which loosely translated from both Spanish and 5-year old speak is "yo' my best fwiend."

Please note that I have grown some really serious finger- and toenails.  And eyelashes.  Was it Maybelline, or do you think I was born like that?

The Mister says I look like Edward Scissorhands.

The next one is the one in which I have put on a few pounds. And gone topless, with only a denim skirt to preserve my modesty. Although I don't have anything to be modest about since I am the size and shape of a Patrick Star from SpongeBob.

"Caca" in Spanish means, well, exactly what you think it means: poop. This kid is either giving me a very candid appraisal of my teaching abilities, or he's really got to go and can't get it out of his head.

Like, he really has to go. 

Or, he really has a bone to pick with me.

The one in which I am a flower-wielding princess under a red-clouded sky (dangerous! sailors take warning!) and my student is a humble orange caterpillar.

This one is the guy you really have to watch over your shoulder for if you're trying to get ahead in the kindergarten rat race.  This is pretty much Picasso-level sketching we have here.  I think it is a rendering of an underground ant colony, and this guy's like "color? we have to color it? that's for children."

Needless to say, I adore every single one of them. 

(the kids and the drawings.)

They don't want to go to rehab either apparently

Today I arrived to school to see a band setting up speakers in the outside area. They were giving a little concert/educational-ish talk on music, types of instruments, and all that.  It was a good time, and there was a whole lot of clapping and dancing going on. The best part of the whole things was that a lot of the songs were in English, leading to some seriously alarming appropriateness issues.

I mean, the thing that really got me wanting to learn my ABC's when I was three was a good live rendition of Santana's "Black Magic Woman", don't you think?

And you haven't seen a kiddie mosh pit until you've seen them rock out to Amy Winehouse "Rehab".

I don't want to go to rehab, baby, no no no...

  

The pros win on both counts

A bracelet present I got from my student Lucía today

Today I just missed my bus.

I was on my way to work, and I saw it pull away just as I ran up.  Brutal.

Pros of public transportation: no hassle of owning and maintaining a car.

Cons: They set the schedule, not you.

So I ran into my first grade class five minutes late, a little out of breath.  The children all turned to me as I came in, shouting hello and delighted to have any distraction so they could stop listening to the teacher.

"Sarah's just a bit late" the teacher soothed, trying to shush the students.

"Well, of course she is!" one little boy cried out, indignant at the apparent insensitivity of his classmates, "she came all the way from the UNITED STATES!"

And he was totally serious.

Cons of teaching children: they are loud, unruly and not nearly discreet enough about bathroom matters.

Pros: stories like that.

This made me giggle.

Dear Lord,

Help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.

Help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive.

Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, even though they're usually not my fault.

Help me to not try to run everything - but, if you need some help, please feel free to ask me.

Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right.

Help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

Give me patience, and I mean right now!

Help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

Help me to finish everything I sta

Help me to keep my mind on one thing ... oh, look, a bird ... at a time.

Help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Keep me open to others' ideas, misguided though they may be.

Help me follow established procedures. Hey, wait ... this is wrong ...

Help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatido.

Thank you, Lord.

Amen