How to make a real-deal Spanish paella

Start with snacks. This might take awhile. Jamón and cheese are perfect.

Then, assemble a team of helpers. Provide beer.

First, assemble your ingredients: spices, rice, fish broth, clams, rabbit, chorizo, peppers and tomatoes. Garlic is good also but never, under any circumstances must you put an onion in paella. If you have added an onion, cross yourself and hope God forgives you for your transgressions. Spanish grandmothers sure won't. 

Then, set up an outdoor cooking area if at all possible. Paella making is a community event, and you'll need the space. And cooking outside makes people happy. Spaniards are all about happiness. 

Now you're ready to begin. Soak your clams well. Nobody likes gritty clams. Go ahead and put a lot of good Spanish olive oil in your heated paella pan and add the rabbit. If you use Italian olive oil or otherwise sully your paella with an inferior non-Spanish product, repeat the crossing and praying maneuver as directed in the instructions regarding onions.

When the rabbit is browning well and smells like heaven, toss in the chorizo and peppers. Have another beer. Now add tomatoes and salt. Inhale deeply, it smells good. Add in rice. Two handfuls per person. If you have small hands, better make it three. Nobody hates leftover paella. Add in fish broth. You can boil fish heads and shrimp shells to make some yourself, or you can cheat and buy the pre-made kind. I won't judge you. But someone out there definitely is, so watch out.

Also take this opportunity to throw in your super secret spice mix passed down from your great-grandfather. Add in raw shrimp. In Spain they generally like them with the heads and eye stalks still attached, but this is my friend's paella and he went easy because he knows how squeamish Americans are. Sprinkle your clams in. Have another beer. Wait twenty minutes.

Now, it's done. For Pete's sake, EAT. And then EAT MORE. And have another beer.